There is no place like home.......

That bug is here again which nags me at regular interval throughout the year –“ I want to go home”!

I am about to complete my fifth year in Dubai in few more days and I consider this as a fairly long stay to fall in love with this beautiful city. I wouldn’t deny that I love the city but still, after such a long stay and even with all its glitz, glamour and flamboyance, the city has not been successfully able to take me under its magic spell completely. The heart aches naggingly for that small confine in Greater Noida, for that muddy road in my village, for that small apartment crammed with stuff, useful or un-useful in Lucknow….

During childhood or during my growing-up years, I have not travelled much except the yearly visit to my maternal grandparents’ place in the nearby town. I have not travelled much even after marriage – firstly, the children were small and I was too apprehensive if at all I would enjoy a vacation while managing an infant and a toddler and secondly, financial resources were not in abundance to splurge on an exotic vacation. While the husband globe-trotted throughout the year on professional assignments, travelling to Lucknow or to my village was the only itinerary for us during holidays.

Situations changed for good with passage of time. Children grew up, cash flow improved and we were travel-ready or rather vacation-ready. Just about when we were planning a trip to a nearby hill station during the next holiday, Dubai happened to us! On a notice of three months, belongings were packed in cartons and shipped and we took the flight to Dubai on a cold January morning. It was “to begin all over again”. Needless to say, it took a while to settle down in this new place, physically and emotionally!

After five long years, even though I am physically well-settled ( a decent home, a family car in the garage, a kitchen full of cooking gadgets, crockery and cutlery,  stack full of cook books and novels in the study room, few good friends to “chill with” during weekends , children in a good school and recently, a dog too), emotionally I still find myself struggling to get adjusted to this new arrangement - parents and Ma-in-law no longer can catch the train at their convenience to travel to Delhi to stay with us four times a year and I feel very sad for them; I cannot hop onto Shatabdi Express to Lucknow whenever there is a four -day break and I feel sad for that; since there is no puja vacation in Dubai schools, I cannot go home to be with my gang of cousins, aunts and uncles during my most favorite festival that is Durga Puja and I feel sad for that. The list goes on………

……and hence, vacation to me now means “going home” at every opportunity and I refuse to go to any place else. People say travelling to new places enriches the vision, broadens the mindset and expands the knowledge base making one superior to the less-travelled. Going by that measuring stick, I will possibly die with a very inferior vision, a very restricted mindset and a very narrow knowledge base if status quo remains the same for few more years but I will still die as a very happy and satisfied soul as I will carry in my heart few beautiful feelings when I die…….

.……I will never know how it feels to be standing in front of an imposing mountain range in some parts of the world and be awe-struck by its enormity. Those mighty mountains will never shed their self-importance and tell me, “Come back soon” when my visit is over. …. But I will always know how beautiful it feels when each one of my friends , neighbors and acquaintances  in Greater Noida hugs me tight and whispers chokingly with  tears in their eyes, “Come back soon. We miss you so much” when I prepare to come back to Dubai after the vacation.

….. I will never know how beautiful it feels to be taking a walk in a moonlit night in a pristine beach with a boundless ocean in front of my eyes and to be surrounded with unearthly tranquility, in some parts of the world. The golden sands of those beaches or the blue waters of those oceans will never care enough to preserve my footsteps as a memoir that I paid a visit to them …….but I will always know how beautiful it feels when my mom-in-law tells me with tears in her eyes, “I will keep everything as it is in your room till you come back again. That will give me a feeling that you all are here with me”. 

……I will never know how it beautiful it feels to be watching a spectacular sunrise or sunset in some exotic location in some parts of the world. That rising sun or the setting sun, with all its glory, will never keep a count of how many more mornings or evenings I will be there to appreciate that splendor……but I will always know how beautiful it feels when my dad keeps a count of my stay with each sun-rise or sun-set and tells me with a hint of gloom,” Four more days and the house will feel empty again.”

…… I will never know how it feels to be wandering in the roads of cities around the world with rich historical past. Those roads or those cities will never bother to come out of their glorious past to appreciate the fact that I visited them…….but I will always know how beautiful it feels when I visit my favorite market place after years, either in Greater Noida or in Lucknow and the snack vendor comes running to me,” Didi, do you recognize me? Where had you been all these years? Have some pani puri”

……I will never know how it feels to be sampling local cuisine sitting in a road side eatery in a distant land or how it tastes but I will always know how heavenly it tastes and how beautiful it feels to eat to my heart’s content “rajma chawal” from the kitchen of my motherly neighbor, curry-chawal from Sunita’s kitchen, chilli chicken from Madhumita’s kitchen, Masala bhindi from Swati’s kitchen, chicken biriyani from Shampa’s kitchen, aam ka achar from Chetna’s kitchen, egg curry from Ma in Lucknow or fish curry from Ma’s kitchen in Gonpur .

Those mountains, those oceans, those beaches, those historical cities will all be there for eternity (at least they will survive till I die!). Uncertainty being the essence of life, who knows if I will get the next opportunity to be with my loved ones to share some laugh with them , to hug them one last time or to share my grief or joy with them!

I don't care if the world does not remember me when I die as someone who travelled extensively gathering precious knowledge! What matters to me most is the fact that few people will keep me alive in their memories when I die. Hence my suitcases are out from under the bed and dusted off, my shopping list for my dear ones is ready and I am vacation-ready. I will take the flight after few more days to one of the most exotic places on earth – Greater Noida and come back with plenty of memories to sustain myself till the next vacation.  

Have a happy winter holiday, friends and do make it a point to reserve few vacations for your loved ones!

 

It is not easy to be mother of someone else's child.......

I became mom to a new baby about a couple of days ago!

Hold your breath! I did not give birth to him. He has travelled quite a distance to reach Dubai, all the way from Hungary.

A seven month old Labrador came home with my Big man from the Pet Shop located in his office building, completely unannounced. The daughter and father were ecstatic, the son was clueless whether to be happy or otherwise and I was aghast!

I never thought that the family was incomplete without a dog! The sight of dog’s ‘Poop and Pee’ all around the park adjacent to my house actually makes me nauseate and I curse the dog owners for not cleaning after their dogs. That the dog would relieve himself anywhere or everywhere in the garden or inside the house, was beyond my acceptance limit and hence, an unpardonable act to me.

 The initial shock subsided after few minutes of screaming and giving me no time to gather myself to greet him, the horror started to unfold bit by bit. Hashtag peed right there on the sofa (my most favorite corner where I love to sit with a cup of tea and the morning newspaper!)  I forgot to react and the daughter immediately started explaining how dogs mark their territory by peeing. (How insane is that!)   

The daughter immediately ran to the kitchen to get the roll of kitchen towel and without even a hint of disgust, she wiped the floor with tissue and cleaned with Dettol water. I was horrified to say the least.

…..but lo and behold! There was more to the horror. Before the floor even dried, Hashtag could not control his motion and the rest is not very hard to guess!

I could sense that my days and nights were going to be a complete mess with Hashtag’s arrival while the daughter and her father tried relentlessly to convince me otherwise.

His bed, chewies, food bowl, water bowl, packets of treats and readymade food, toothbrush and toothpaste, shampoo, bath tub, towel, hair brush, two leashes, a harness and a collar, were all unloaded from the car dickey and organized neatly in the store room shelves. I just don’t remember whether there was so much of arrangement when I brought home my babies from the hospital!

In the afternoon, he was set free in the garden to make him familiar with the environment and he peed everywhere in a bid to mark his territory. The husband looked at him with indulgence, the daughter giggled uncontrollably and I was sitting on a garden chair, motionless, speechless and breathless, possibly with anger!

The night descended and after an elaborate discussion between the daughter and father, Hashtag’s bed was laid in the study room and my husband decided to sleep on the sofa to make the dog feel safe and comfortable! I don’t remember if he ever stayed up and awake during nights when children were small!

Fortunately for him and unfortunately for me, the next morning he had to leave station for an assignment. At night, the daughter refused to sleep upstairs leaving her “darling” Hashtag alone and I was left with no choice but to sleep in the living room with her and her “darling”. While she fell asleep within minutes of snuggling under the blanket, Hashtag kept me up and about the entire night with his antics reminding me the days of sleepless nights when the kids were small.

……. and that too, for the dog!! Unbelievable!

In a matter of two days, the green grasses in my garden developed yellow patches (soaked with Hashtag’s urine) and he chose no particular area for his big job! I lost my paradise.

Sleepless, homeless (almost!), with each passing day, frustration was increasing with his unpredictable and erratic toilet habit! Rajeev (a renowned dog trainer) was hired to make Hashtag toilet trained. On the first session, possibly he could sense my emotion towards the animal and dropped a simple line after he was done with the lesson, “Just accept him as he is. He will never be able to understand logically why you are angry with him. But give it some time and he will not give you chance to regret that you brought him home”.

Something clicked. For the first time, I called him to me and looked into his eyes. Hesitantly, he sat in front of me with complete submission. A surge of emotion ran past me – possibly he is missing his mum and the mum, far away in Hungary, is possibly missing her baby. When he grows up in a few months, the mother will never get to know or see how handsome her boy looks. Being the foster mother, the joy and pride will be all mine!

That day, I wore a pair of gloves and cleaned his poop in a plastic bag; took him upstairs and laid his bed by the side of my bed, touched his head softly to say “good night” and switched off the light. He let go off a deep breath, stretched his limbs, looked at me once and fell asleep like a baby knowing in his mind that I have finally accepted him.

Today, when I closed the door behind me while leaving for office, I could decipher the look in his eyes. He certainly wanted to say, “When will you come home, Mom?”  

Being mother is a tough task and being mother of someone else’s child is doubly tough. Howsoever tough it might be, how can I not love someone as cute and handsome like my Hashtag with deep brown eyes and a button nose!!!

 (I was allowed the honor to name him)

 

 

 

Agony and ecstasy of a mother of a pre-teen girl

Even though there is no gender bias, I always wanted my first child to be a girl. On a cold January afternoon, when she had to be taken out with a C-Section prematurely for medical reasons, even the attending Pediatrician had doubted her survival. At the same time, he emphasized that mother’s care was the only medicine for her and I took up motherhood full-time.

The frail baby with pink lips, head-full of curly hair and long eyelashes, held my finger tightly in the embrace of her tiny weak fingers when I first held her and possibly, that is, so far, the most precious moment of my life!    

From that moment onwards, she has given me countless moments for me to feel ecstatic as her mother!

She is known be mature, responsible and caring amongst friends and teachers in school and amongst friends and relatives. I feel blessed!

At home, she is my ‘first-point-of-contact’ during moments of distress. When memory fails me as to where I have kept a very important document that her father handed over to me for safe keeping or the tuning key for my son’s drum set , she comes to my rescue,” Mom, check in the topmost drawer on your left in your wardrobe”. Sense of relief breezes past me when I find things exactly where she says and I hug her with a happy grin! My forgetfulness has become legendary in the family after innumerable incidents of losing things or not being able to remember where I have kept them. She is officially responsible now for safekeeping of things and I live a life free of stress!! I feel blessed!

As she loves to cook, she has been going to a culinary school to hone her skills. Some days, when I just do not feel like entering into the kitchen, she happily wears her Chef-cap, flips through the pages of her recipe book, does a stock-taking for ingredients in the refrigerator and the rest is……

…….sheer BLISS!!!  I feel blessed!!     

The list is long when I feel myself blessed to have her in my life and I thought mothering her would simply be full of ecstasy and devoid of agony!!

I didn’t have reasons to believe otherwise until she turned 12 in January. Officially, she entered into pre-teen and will enter into “the hallowed hall of Teens” in ten more months precisely! There has been innumerable articles and reports on how to handle “teenaged children” and all documents, published or unpublished, screams that it is the most difficult phase of parenthood as well as for the children. Well, I do feel scared. Just to keep myself prepared for the occasion, these days, I read through any article related to “Good Parenting” in one breath while the storm is brewing……

While I debate with myself as to how to handle this when she starts showing up symptoms of “teenage tantrums”, I wonder whether our parents also had to go through all these! We also had passed through that very sensitive phase of life called “adolescence” with our share of infatuation, falling in love at the drop of a hat or nursing a broken heart. Have we ever noticed our parents being stressed about all such issues? Nah, at least, I don’t remember as regards my parents are concerned.

 ….but as everyone says, “Time has changed”. And hence, method of parenting also needs to be changed. While the debate goes on in my head as to how to make her understand what is wrong and what is right for her, she is busy “Whatsapping” her friends in her i-phone.

Now, after so much of knowledge accumulated by reading all those articles or hearing from parents who already have teenage children, just as I started feeling “well-equipped”, my pre-teen princess came home from school with lot of excitement and asked me, “Mom, is it OK with you if I invite two of my friends to our house on Thursday? Actually, they are, sort of, dating and want some cool place to hang out so they can understand each other better. We have this lake and the park behind our house and it’s nice. So just in case you agree……”   

I almost went blank when she dropped those words so casually - ”Dating”, “cool”, “hang out”, “understand each other better” ! She is only 12 and so are her friends!! For the first time I realized how much time has changed. At least, in my time, when I was of their age, the thought of “understanding each other” never crossed my mind!

 Mentally, I was searching through all those articles that I have read which might give me a clue as to how to handle this and there was no answer. I had to figure it out myself.

My days of agony have just started, I guess……

I don’t think there is any rule book for parenting. The best rule, for me, is to trust the “mother’s instinct”.

Enjoy the agony and ecstasy of being a mother. Happy parenting, all you mothers!

 

Life is about making choices!

Even though I was the only child of my parents, I never had to grow up as a lonely child! Being part of a very big and extended joint family, with quite a few number of cousins, uncles and aunts, always made me feel secure emotionally. I always felt that I was part of a big circle and in times of need, someone or the other would always be there to hold my hand, wipe my tears, stay by my side during my moments of sadness and would celebrate my moments of joy with me with equal elation!

  Even after so many years that I am away from all of them, pre-marriage and post-marriage, and even though I get to meet them after a long gap, I still feel equally attached with each one of them. To make a trip to my village every six months was almost a ritual for me when I was in Delhi even if that would require good amount of permutation / combination in order to match my work holidays with holidays of my children and travel schedule of my husband. If I had to miss the visit for some reason, the flood gates of my tear ducts would remain open perpetually till the next visit, fact notwithstanding, that parents would visit us every 3/4 months!

Lot of people, failed to understand why I was emotionally so high-strung as regards my visit to my village, more so when parents visited so often. How would I make them understand that other than my parents, there were so many people and so many things in that big circle of which I was a part and I missed each one of them!

.......the muddy road, the pond in front of my house full of hyacinth and mosquitoes, the memory-strewn school building where I studied under the careful eyes of my beloved teachers, the ever-inquisitive, enthusiastic but affectionate neighbors - everything was a part of that big circle. Hence going back to that place was equivalent to going to a pilgrimage for me, and it still is! Sometimes, I also wonder that possibly so much of attachment is not good for the soul. To make life a little less complicated, we should sometimes try to make the circle a little smaller.

......and even if I have tried few times to snip some part of that big circle, I failed to figure out as to who or what is unnecessary as regards my existence is concerned !  

Before even the dilemma was sorted as to who and what should stay within that big circle, I moved further away to Dubai from Delhi. Delhi was my second home. I loved the city so much from the day I landed there with a job all the way from Kolkata that I made up my mind to set up my permanent home in that ever-busy big city full of chaos, traffic jam and unknown people but full of life ! The dream finally came true when after few years of marriage, we purchased our own nest in the outskirts of Delhi that is Greater Noida!   

Once I moved to Dubai, I was hopeful that possibly distance would help me to squeeze that circle to only few people and few things which I supposed, were extremely close to my heart! On the contrary, after a few months of life in a far-away land away from all things near and dear, I felt the same ache of separation for few things and few people in Greater Noida as well. Every now and then, I feel a desperate urge to go back to that place to my kitty group friends, to my office buddies, to my neighbors who are as dear to me as my parents, to the evening prayer in the temple in the housing society and so on…..

Distance, in fact, has made the circle grow bigger!

…..and as if that was not enough addition to my dilemma, when a dear friend in Dubai lost her mother suddenly and rushed to Kolkata to bid “good bye” to her mother with tearful eyes, my eyes also welled up. The heart ached for her as well! I realized that my circle has grown even bigger with time and now it has taken few people and few things in Dubai as well within its periphery!

Realization dawned suddenly. The simple rule of geometry says as we go further from the center, the circle is bound to grow bigger until and unless we try to shift the center. But is it so easy to shift the center? Isn’t it the very essence of our existence? Shifting away from the center tantamount to denying the roots – isn’t it? We certainly can choose not to be a part of our own circle and stand and observe from the periphery. That would possibly give us the freedom of movement with less burden like a fallen leaf from a tree but it would certainly not give us the sense of security that we enjoy when we are part of a big circle! After all , how long can a fallen leaf float in the air? and it gets crushed under anyone's and everyone's feet, the moment it touches ground.....

Attachment brings lots of baggage to tug along but at the same time, ensures that someone will always be there in time of need to wipe our tears, to hold our hands, to share the sorrow and joy. I choose to stay attached and be a part of a circle and I no longer try to make the circle smaller rather I let it grow as big as it can!