From my Pink Diary

Losing few kilos while being on a forced diet of fruits and lemon water is the sweetest side effect of chemotherapy….

I always hold a grudge against God that there has been unfair distribution of height to ladies in His world; otherwise why would ladies and girls like Shilpa Shetty, Anouska Sharma and Deepika Padukon have the pleasure of towering over others whereas ladies like me always have to stand in the front row while a group photograph is clicked! I always feel that I have been deprived of my right of standing tall physically in a crowd. The sensitive matter of ‘height’ became almost “over –sensitive” when my dad had to write 5’ 0” in matrimonial communications just to give an illusionary effect of being of average height like an average Bengali girl. Understandably, I am too sensitive to the magic word of “tall and slim”.

After I landed in Dubai, first few months were lazy rolls on the couch at home and endless hours of stroll in the malls. I was continuously on the search of keeping myself engaged meaningfully while enjoying my much-deserved break from life’s crazy run during the last few years. During the process of exploration, my observation gave me an insight that even though I could not do anything to increase my height at an age when the bones would not stretch length-wise but I could always reduce the ‘body mass’ to fit into the category of “slim and petit”. Just as I started wishing that there should be a health club around my residential locality, Studio Fitness opened its doors to countless enthusiasts like me. With little nudging from my husband, I entered into the world of “yoga, zumba and weight lifting” hoping each day that fitting into size 10 from size 14 would be only months away!!

Well, while I had been following the regimen religiously and few friends also commented that I looked more toned, I could not find much change myself and after relentless trials in the trial room of various stores in the malls, I could only fit into size 12 but getting into size 10 was a distant dream!!

…….after almost a year, I said “Quit”. Probably there was much more into reaching that dream of looking ‘slim and petit’.

Knowing me as not a quitter, my search on weight-loss secrets were on and I finally hit upon the conclusion that gym-run had to be in tandem with a ‘proper diet’. Another search began and almost all diet plans advised to stay away from ‘carbs’. I hit the first roadblock – being a die-hard Bengali, plateful of rice with fish curry is my biggest weakness and staying away from carbs was just IMPOSSIBLE for me!

 …..but dreams sometimes can be very persuasive! As if to give my dream the last push, Bodyworx opened just below my tower with a massive layout of machines, balance balls, kettle bells, treadmills, dance floors and what not! I could not resist the pull when I saw people thronging there and huffing and puffing on the machines and almost all of them fell in the category of “slim and fit”. I entered Bodyworx nervously one morning and was guided to a ‘personal trainer’ by the receptionist.

…… I set upon another journey towards attaining my dream of losing those stubborn kilos!

After some ‘critical calculation’, the trainer churned out that I should ideally weigh 55 kilos to go with my height and I was overweight by 9 kilos!! As regards the diet plan, when I mentioned my weakness on ‘rice’, he flashed a very pleasant smile and assured that I could eat my staple ‘rice with fish curry’ but only with slight change – “shift to brown rice from white rice”!!!

An immediate visit to the supermarket replaced the bags of India Gate Basmati Rice in my grocery cabinet with Tilda Long Grain Basmati Brown Rice with lots of protests from all members of the family. The taste of pristine white long grain India Gate Basmati rice was certainly too good to be compared with taste of brown rice of any brand and quality. After the initial protests subsided, we all made a conscious decision to shift to eating healthy and to our surprise, we all started liking the taste gradually.    

..... every month the weighing machine showed a little ‘shedding’ of those stubborn kilos and pushed me to go a little further in trying new techniques, machines and healthy diet!

Possibly seeing all these, God took pity on me and wanted the whole process of losing weight a little less effortless!

After the diagnosis, the finalization of the treatment plan and surgery, I had to say “Goodbye” to Bodyworx and to my wonderful personal trainer who was sure that I would come back after a short break and would start from where I left!! Thank you Sherwin that you showed this confidence in me as I hate to quit something which I started enjoying! I would go back, for sure…..

The chemotherapy started and suddenly without even realizing, I am on a forced diet of lots of fruits, lemon water, and soupy curry without even a hint of spice and WHITE RICE as these only suit my chemo-ridden taste buds. Every time, the nurse asks me stand on the weighing machine, the reading makes me very happy as it has been showing a steady decrease!! The last reading before the therapy session last week, the machine surprised me with a reading of “59.2” and I was elated.

……Voila! I am only 4 kilos away from the ideal weight that my trainer calculated and I am certain, that with three more sessions of therapy, the final reading is certainly going to show “55”.

The Therapy sessions and the associated side effects are not at all pleasant to bear with, but dreams do not always come true without pain and suffering, right? While approaching my dream of looking ‘slim and fit’, this much pain and suffering I will endure with a smile for sure!!!

 

From my Pink Diary......

Shopping is a therapy – whatever be the state of mind! When happy, it increases the happiness quotient and when depressed – it takes away some amount of gloom even though, temporarily!

Back home in India, I never had much opportunity to shop or window-shop in Great India Place in Noida or Shipra Mall in Ghaziabad or in Gurgaon, primarily because packing the kids in a Maruti 800 and driving across NCR region to malls was not at all safe for three of us given the awe-inspiring record of my driving skills and the hectic travel schedule of my poor husband seldom allowed us ‘we-four’ time. I was possibly the first one to gate-crash when the Ansal Plaza opened its doors for the less fortunate souls like me in Greater Noida and going there for a McD filet-o-fish and some fries on every Sunday was almost like a ritual for myself and my children!

….then I got transported to Dubai, the City of Malls and was awe-struck, figuratively and literally with their glamour, glory, glitter and glitz. As I wanted a break from my crazy schedule of managing home, kids, office, homework, school-run, a touring husband – for first few months in Dubai I was in a “tourist” mode and crisscrossed the city almost each day to some or the other mall to explore every square inch of the area. I became a veritable “yellow pages” as regards brands, shops, sale deals and offers available in the city!!

The initial excitement subsided and I got myself enrolled for a Master’s Degree in one of the Universities here. Once the studies were over, I somehow managed myself a 9 to 6 job; weekdays were hectic and weekends were reserved for lazing around and some ‘family time’. I was soon ordering grocery from “Trolley.ae” (an online grocery shopping website)! Just as I was exploring more about other on-line grocery shops for better deals, life threw a nasty twist at me …….. and I was again searching for ideas to keep myself engaged and entertained during the days I would be floating and during the days, I would be sinking too!!

On one such nights when the steroids were keeping me awake all night, a thought crossed my mind like a flash of light and in the next minute, I was sitting upright with my laptop open in front of me and I typed in Google search bar “On line Saree hopping from India”. Few sites popped up and after a thorough research, I started clicking on images of designer sarees from Mirraw.com. They deliver all over the world, and got few mails from satisfied customer to prove their claim for authenticity and genuineness!!

I am a thorough-bred Bengali and saree is one of my weaknesses – I love to buy them, I love to wear them and I love to store them neatly in numerous suitcases that I have at home (thanks to my husband’s travel requirements). By the time it was 4 am in the morning, I painstakingly checked images of 200 sarees on offer and chose few in my “wish list” – driving away the “sleeplessness and chemotherapy nausea”. Each time a saree caught my fancy, I divided the price in Indian rupees by 14.38 and reverse conversion from Indian Rupees to Dirhams was such a pleasant experience, now that I am a completely Dirham-adapted NRI! …and now the real dilemma….

…….is there any justification that I would suddenly splurge on such on-line shopping? Is there any occasion close by that I need to wear new saree? And something crossed my mind again in a flash – the indulging smile on my husband’s face before he left on a long tour,” Stay well and happy. Do whatever makes you happy”. During that moment, I was on an all- time-high on Happiness Parameter and all dilemmas vanished. I filled in my shopping cart with three sarees and two necklaces from the ‘costume jewellery’ section, typed in the credit card number and hit the button “Pay” with full force.

The day FedEx delivered a neatly sealed packet on door step, I broke into an instant “Zumba Zig” while my daughter watched me nervously and ran to her dad possibly to check if chemotherapy makes people behave ‘in a different way’ also! For the first time, my husband appreciated my choice and with that same indulging smile, said softly,” oh, beautiful! Why didn’t you order few more?”

I flashed an evil smile while arranging my ‘shopping haul’ in my wardrobe and said, “I have 4 more chemo sessions to go through, Mr. Ray! Just make sure there is enough balance in those ‘add-on’ credit cards” and exited the room.      

If I have said that I love sarees, then I am an ‘average-Indian woman’ and I love gold too! Was it a coincidence that the very auspicious ‘gold-buying’ day of Akshay Tritiya was around the corner and I never missed the date to buy some gold and invite prosperity! I considered it almost a conspiracy when I found the catalogues of Damas and Joyalukkas in the mailbox just on the day my husband returned from tour! I waited patiently for the right time and over an ‘awesome breakfast’ of Puri-aloo sabzi, the next morning, I spread out the designs in front of him.  

“But it’s not safe for you to go to a crowded place, my dear. I will take some time out from office and buy something for you”.

“Nooooo”, I croaked and almost tripped over the next chair and rush to hug him tightly. “We can always buy the gold before the real date. Damas will not be so crowded before Akshay Tritiya”, I cried out!

Wouldn’t it be a life-time loss if I did not get to see each design on display, hold them in my hand, check them for weight, strolling from counter to counter aimlessly and finally choosing whatever my husband suggested? A loving husband that he is, we were out on jewellery shopping the next day and came home with a big, flashy paper bag, very happy and satisfied with the real shopping complimenting my online shopping.

The joy and happiness of buying something is lost to a great extent if it is not approved by dear friends. During a community celebration a few days later, I wore a saree from my ‘online shopping’ collection while waiting eagerly for comments from my friends. When friends unanimously approved of my choice and my online shopping skills, I was ready for another night-long shopping spree anytime soon but sadly enough, the gold necklace could not be worn as the scarf covered part of my neck ( scarfs adore my bald head now that chemo therapy has claimed my crowning glory!)

The excitement of wearing a scarf and feeling like an Arab woman immediately died down when the joy of buying a beautiful ‘temple necklace’ from Damas could not be shared with my lovely friends! It was now time for shopping for a real-looking and fashionable wig. The lovely long tresses of mine was too much of a part of my identity and I could not bear the pain of seeing myself ‘bald and ugly’ in front of the mirror whatever the mirror might say!

…..thanks to a very dear friend, we took real long in terms of time and effort and a very chic, almost real-looking wig now has found a permanent place on my head and I got to flaunt a hairstyle with front fringes to everyone’s surprise!! I feel myself complete and beautiful and would be waiting for an opportunity to wear another saree from my collection, the temple necklace and the stylish wig!!

My wish-list in Mirraw.com is full and almost as a routine, I check the website for new arrivals just to keep me on top of it. On-line shopping has never been so much of fun and with some real shopping to compliment that, life is treating me pretty well, I must say……

Accept life as it comes and look beautiful, stay beautiful and feel beautiful, all my lovely friends!!

 

From my Pink Diary......

I am the only child of my parents but was part of a huge joint family and any special privilege or pampering as a single child was out of question on ethical grounds.
 
My father, fortunately or unfortunately, was the eldest son of the family and in true tradition of a joint family was the one who had the responsibility of running the huge family as a well-oiled machine. I am proud of the fact that he bore the responsibility with utmost sincerity, integrity and fairness till the last day that he was Head of the Family. By default, Ma also had to be equally participative in the whole affair and she was loyal to her duties as a wife and as the eldest daughter-in-law. As if, taking care of the well-being of 10/12 family members was not enough, she had a regular 10 to 4 job as a school teacher. Needless to say, she was perpetually over-burdened with so much that as a child, a very little of her time was in my share.
 
During my homework time, she never got the chance to sit with me ......there were 12 mouths to be fed and she used to enter into kitchen straight after coming back from school!

No one bothered to ask her but she possibly carried that guilt within her that she could not be around to help me when I needed her.....

As a mother now, till about few days ago, telling the same old “Jack and the bean stalk” or “Three little pigs” to my children during bed time was almost like a ritual and all three of us enjoyed that special 15 minutes so much! Recently, as a sign of growing up, the kids announced one day that now they would rather read a book and go off to sleep. I suddenly felt as if I was denied some of my motherly rights!

My mom never had time or opportunity to sit by my side and tell me a story during bed time. By the time, after feeding everybody and feeding herself, the kitchen was closed finally for the day, it used to be too late in the night for a child to stay awake. I learnt to fall asleep by myself without a story or lullaby. On certain days, I so wanted her to tell me the story of “Titanic”!

No one ever bothered to ask her but she possibly carried the guilt within her for not being able to kiss me “good night” before tucking me into bed….

During the years when I was growing up, I had so many secrets to share with her but we never got time to sit for some time all by ourselves and catching up. I fell in love with someone and I could not share the joy with her. I broke up with my boyfriend and I could not share the agony with her either. After many years, when I found love again, I was away in Delhi but being my mother, I believed she had the first right to know that her daughter had finally found a soul mate. She was ecstatic!

Nobody ever bothered to ask her but she possibly carried the guilt that she never had time to sit with her child during those growing-up years. As a mother, when my 11 year old daughter secretly shares with me all “gossips” of her class, we laugh together, worry together and think together! I now understand how much my mom missed being there for me to share some of those nonsensical gossips!

Time flies and I was on my way to motherhood for the first time! As per tradition, she wanted to plan an elaborate “sadh” (a typical Bengali ritual where mothers cook everything that the pregnant daughter craves for). As she always missed so many things, she could not travel to Delhi for some family reason and I was not allowed to travel either! She had no option but to miss the opportunity as she had always done! Being a dutiful daughter-in-law was not that easy, I suppose!

No one bothered to ask her but she still regrets that she could not organize “sadh” for her only child while she has done it for few of other parental cousins of mine!

Around the time my daughter was to be born, she wanted to make sure that she could be around. She wanted that so desperately that she decided to retire voluntarily and put in her resignation! This time around it was turn of the Ministry of Education to act as the villain who did not accept her resignation as there was shortage of teachers. She could only be around with me and the new-born baby for a month and cried inconsolably while leaving her first and very precious granddaughter in my novice hands!

She still regrets that she could not be there with me during the time I needed her most……

…and then it was time again to bring a sibling for our daughter and I was on my way to motherhood for the second time. Again, as my mother, she had the right to know it first and she persuaded her case with the Ministry frantically! Her resignation was accepted and she was relieved from duty but not before serving 3 more months as she had availed medical and other leaves more than what was due during her long stint (so much over-work already had started taking a toll on her health)! She could only be with me for a month during the birth of my son! She felt miserable leaving me with a two year old and a new born baby and cursed her luck all along for being such an unfortunate mother who never could be with her child during her hours of need ……

Finally, her days of 10 to 4 job was over and on my insistence, the joint family was disintegrated amicably! As their child, I wanted desperately that my parents be freed from the shackles of duties and responsibilities and live life on their own terms. They have been doing that ever since…..

Then came the news, almost as a bolt from the blue, that my name has been added to the list of countless other ladies who are battling or have battled breast cancer! This time, she did not have to wait for anyone’s approval, within the family or outside and they flew to Dubai as soon as possible.

The other day as she was performing her morning “puja”, in between sobs she said, “I have been asking Ma Durga all these days, why She had to choose you and not me” (We all are loyal devotees of Ma Durga and She has never let us down so far)

I hugged her and said, “Ma, all your life, you have fulfilled all your duties and you are a satisfied soul on that count. You only had regrets that you could not take care of your child the way you wanted to even though, to me, you are the best mother ever. Now Ma Durga has given you a chance to take care of your child and possibly, I need you the most this time around. Ma Durga wants you to leave this world as a happy and satisfied mother. So do whatever you feel like and take care of your child. So what if am 45 years old now? I am still your child”.

She wiped her tears, got up on her feet and said, “Yesterday, you wanted to eat some ‘chorchori’ (Bengali style mixed vegetable), I will send baba downstairs to buy some vegetables”. She churned out the best chorchori from whatever vegetables she could get!

Ever since, she has arrived, she has taken charge of the kitchen; she makes sure that I drink and eat well; she makes sure that I go out to walk with her in the morning and afternoon and she possibly is the happiest mother now even though, she never had imagined for this day in her wildest nightmares.

I am also a great fan of Ma Durga and my faith in Her is unshakable whatever the test be. All this while, I was trying to find a purpose behind subjecting us to these trying times. As always, I have not, for once, question Her, “why me?” Today, I found my answer that actually Ma Durga wanted to return favor to one of her most loyal devotee that is my mother……

……that now she could finally be with her child during her hours of need and I thank Ma Durga for allowing us this privilege to spend some time with Mom and sharing all the gossips that I could not till breast cancer gave us a chance!