From my Pink Diary......

I am the only child of my parents but was part of a huge joint family and any special privilege or pampering as a single child was out of question on ethical grounds.
 
My father, fortunately or unfortunately, was the eldest son of the family and in true tradition of a joint family was the one who had the responsibility of running the huge family as a well-oiled machine. I am proud of the fact that he bore the responsibility with utmost sincerity, integrity and fairness till the last day that he was Head of the Family. By default, Ma also had to be equally participative in the whole affair and she was loyal to her duties as a wife and as the eldest daughter-in-law. As if, taking care of the well-being of 10/12 family members was not enough, she had a regular 10 to 4 job as a school teacher. Needless to say, she was perpetually over-burdened with so much that as a child, a very little of her time was in my share.
 
During my homework time, she never got the chance to sit with me ......there were 12 mouths to be fed and she used to enter into kitchen straight after coming back from school!

No one bothered to ask her but she possibly carried that guilt within her that she could not be around to help me when I needed her.....

As a mother now, till about few days ago, telling the same old “Jack and the bean stalk” or “Three little pigs” to my children during bed time was almost like a ritual and all three of us enjoyed that special 15 minutes so much! Recently, as a sign of growing up, the kids announced one day that now they would rather read a book and go off to sleep. I suddenly felt as if I was denied some of my motherly rights!

My mom never had time or opportunity to sit by my side and tell me a story during bed time. By the time, after feeding everybody and feeding herself, the kitchen was closed finally for the day, it used to be too late in the night for a child to stay awake. I learnt to fall asleep by myself without a story or lullaby. On certain days, I so wanted her to tell me the story of “Titanic”!

No one ever bothered to ask her but she possibly carried the guilt within her for not being able to kiss me “good night” before tucking me into bed….

During the years when I was growing up, I had so many secrets to share with her but we never got time to sit for some time all by ourselves and catching up. I fell in love with someone and I could not share the joy with her. I broke up with my boyfriend and I could not share the agony with her either. After many years, when I found love again, I was away in Delhi but being my mother, I believed she had the first right to know that her daughter had finally found a soul mate. She was ecstatic!

Nobody ever bothered to ask her but she possibly carried the guilt that she never had time to sit with her child during those growing-up years. As a mother, when my 11 year old daughter secretly shares with me all “gossips” of her class, we laugh together, worry together and think together! I now understand how much my mom missed being there for me to share some of those nonsensical gossips!

Time flies and I was on my way to motherhood for the first time! As per tradition, she wanted to plan an elaborate “sadh” (a typical Bengali ritual where mothers cook everything that the pregnant daughter craves for). As she always missed so many things, she could not travel to Delhi for some family reason and I was not allowed to travel either! She had no option but to miss the opportunity as she had always done! Being a dutiful daughter-in-law was not that easy, I suppose!

No one bothered to ask her but she still regrets that she could not organize “sadh” for her only child while she has done it for few of other parental cousins of mine!

Around the time my daughter was to be born, she wanted to make sure that she could be around. She wanted that so desperately that she decided to retire voluntarily and put in her resignation! This time around it was turn of the Ministry of Education to act as the villain who did not accept her resignation as there was shortage of teachers. She could only be around with me and the new-born baby for a month and cried inconsolably while leaving her first and very precious granddaughter in my novice hands!

She still regrets that she could not be there with me during the time I needed her most……

…and then it was time again to bring a sibling for our daughter and I was on my way to motherhood for the second time. Again, as my mother, she had the right to know it first and she persuaded her case with the Ministry frantically! Her resignation was accepted and she was relieved from duty but not before serving 3 more months as she had availed medical and other leaves more than what was due during her long stint (so much over-work already had started taking a toll on her health)! She could only be with me for a month during the birth of my son! She felt miserable leaving me with a two year old and a new born baby and cursed her luck all along for being such an unfortunate mother who never could be with her child during her hours of need ……

Finally, her days of 10 to 4 job was over and on my insistence, the joint family was disintegrated amicably! As their child, I wanted desperately that my parents be freed from the shackles of duties and responsibilities and live life on their own terms. They have been doing that ever since…..

Then came the news, almost as a bolt from the blue, that my name has been added to the list of countless other ladies who are battling or have battled breast cancer! This time, she did not have to wait for anyone’s approval, within the family or outside and they flew to Dubai as soon as possible.

The other day as she was performing her morning “puja”, in between sobs she said, “I have been asking Ma Durga all these days, why She had to choose you and not me” (We all are loyal devotees of Ma Durga and She has never let us down so far)

I hugged her and said, “Ma, all your life, you have fulfilled all your duties and you are a satisfied soul on that count. You only had regrets that you could not take care of your child the way you wanted to even though, to me, you are the best mother ever. Now Ma Durga has given you a chance to take care of your child and possibly, I need you the most this time around. Ma Durga wants you to leave this world as a happy and satisfied mother. So do whatever you feel like and take care of your child. So what if am 45 years old now? I am still your child”.

She wiped her tears, got up on her feet and said, “Yesterday, you wanted to eat some ‘chorchori’ (Bengali style mixed vegetable), I will send baba downstairs to buy some vegetables”. She churned out the best chorchori from whatever vegetables she could get!

Ever since, she has arrived, she has taken charge of the kitchen; she makes sure that I drink and eat well; she makes sure that I go out to walk with her in the morning and afternoon and she possibly is the happiest mother now even though, she never had imagined for this day in her wildest nightmares.

I am also a great fan of Ma Durga and my faith in Her is unshakable whatever the test be. All this while, I was trying to find a purpose behind subjecting us to these trying times. As always, I have not, for once, question Her, “why me?” Today, I found my answer that actually Ma Durga wanted to return favor to one of her most loyal devotee that is my mother……

……that now she could finally be with her child during her hours of need and I thank Ma Durga for allowing us this privilege to spend some time with Mom and sharing all the gossips that I could not till breast cancer gave us a chance!