Even though I was the only child of my parents, I never had to grow up as a
lonely child! Being part of a very big and extended joint family, with quite a
few number of cousins, uncles and aunts, always made me feel secure
emotionally. I always felt that I was part of a big circle and in times of
need, someone or the other would always be there to hold my hand, wipe my tears,
stay by my side during my moments of sadness and would celebrate my moments of
joy with me with equal elation!
Even after so many years that I am
away from all of them, pre-marriage and post-marriage, and even though I get to
meet them after a long gap, I still feel equally attached with each one of
them. To make a trip to my village every six months was almost a ritual for me when
I was in Delhi even if that would require good amount of permutation /
combination in order to match my work holidays with holidays of my children and
travel schedule of my husband. If I had to miss the visit for some reason, the
flood gates of my tear ducts would remain open perpetually till the next visit,
fact notwithstanding, that parents would visit us every 3/4 months!
Lot of people, failed to understand why I was emotionally so high-strung as
regards my visit to my village, more so when parents visited so often. How
would I make them understand that other than my parents, there were so many
people and so many things in that big circle of which I was a part and I missed
each one of them!
.......the muddy road, the pond in front of my house full of hyacinth and
mosquitoes, the memory-strewn school building where I studied under the careful
eyes of my beloved teachers, the ever-inquisitive, enthusiastic but
affectionate neighbors - everything was a part of that big circle. Hence going
back to that place was equivalent to going to a pilgrimage for me, and it still
is! Sometimes, I also wonder that possibly so much of attachment is not good
for the soul. To make life a little less complicated, we should sometimes try
to make the circle a little smaller.
......and even if I have tried few times to snip some part of that big
circle, I failed to figure out as to who or what is unnecessary as regards my
existence is concerned !
Before even the dilemma was sorted as to who and what should stay within
that big circle, I moved further away to Dubai from Delhi. Delhi was my second home.
I loved the city so much from the day I landed there with a job all the way
from Kolkata that I made up my mind to set up my permanent home in that ever-busy
big city full of chaos, traffic jam and unknown people but full of life ! The
dream finally came true when after few years of marriage, we purchased our own
nest in the outskirts of Delhi that is Greater Noida!
Once I moved to Dubai, I was hopeful that possibly distance would help me
to squeeze that circle to only few people and few things which I supposed, were
extremely close to my heart! On the contrary, after a few months of life in a
far-away land away from all things near and dear, I felt the same ache of
separation for few things and few people in Greater Noida as well. Every now
and then, I feel a desperate urge to go back to that place to my kitty group
friends, to my office buddies, to my neighbors who are as dear to me as my parents,
to the evening prayer in the temple in the housing society and so on…..
Distance, in fact, has made the circle grow bigger!
…..and as if that was not enough addition to my dilemma, when a dear friend
in Dubai lost her mother suddenly and rushed to Kolkata to bid “good bye” to her mother with
tearful eyes, my eyes also welled up. The heart ached for her as well! I
realized that my circle has grown even bigger with time and now it has taken few
people and few things in Dubai as well within its periphery!
Realization dawned suddenly. The simple rule of geometry says as we go
further from the center, the circle is bound to grow bigger until and unless we
try to shift the center. But is it so easy to shift the center? Isn’t it the
very essence of our existence? Shifting away from the center tantamount to
denying the roots – isn’t it? We certainly can choose not to be a part of our
own circle and stand and observe from the periphery. That would possibly give
us the freedom of movement with less burden like a fallen leaf from a tree but
it would certainly not give us the sense of security that we enjoy when we are
part of a big circle! After all , how long can a fallen leaf float in the air? and it gets crushed under anyone's and everyone's feet, the moment it touches ground.....
Attachment brings lots of baggage to tug along but at the same time,
ensures that someone will always be there in time of need to wipe our tears, to
hold our hands, to share the sorrow and joy. I choose to stay attached and be a part of a circle and I no longer try to make the circle
smaller rather I let it grow as big as it can!
