It has been exactly a year that Dad passed away after a
brief illness. As a child, I had done everything within my abilities (physical
and financial) for those four months that he was lying on a hospital bed in a
comatosed state. It did not matter to me that he did not even open his eyes or
speak a single word when I visited him in the hospital. That he was breathing
and still alive was reason enough for me to travel to Kolkata every fortnight
leaving my two children under the care and mercy of my domestic help. My
husband and children insisted that if those were the final few months of dad’s
life, then we must try our best to make him feel how much we loved him and how
much we cared for him. My big man adjusted his travel schedule as much as he
could and my two little children took care of themselves as much as they could
giving me assurances constantly while I would be away to Kolkata,” Do not worry
about us; You take care of Dada and yourself and spend as much time as you can
with Dada. Just hold his hand and sit beside him. He will definitely realise
with his senses that you are there”.
Dad would have been shining with pride and happiness for his
son-in-law and grandchildren!
The only complain that I had against Almighty that I could
not anticipate the final moment in dad’s life and hence, I could not be there
by his side to kiss him goodbye and to tell him for the last time, “My daddy
bestest”. Even after a year, I go off to
sleep with this grief and pain and I would have done that possibly for the rest
of my life had it not been for another death in the family!
Chhoto Masi (my aunt-in-law) passed away on 8th
of January this year. She was a distant elder cousin of my Mom-in-law but since
she had no one except us, my mom-in-law took it upon herself to look after her.
The fact that she was distantly related to us never diluted the love and
affection that we had for her and vice versa. Chhoto Masi was dear and near to
us notwithstanding her position in the family tree of ‘Rays’!
Age caught up; she was diagnosed with Dementia. She was
losing herself fast in the vortex of the disease….keeping her under home-care
under a care-giver was no longer a possibility. Since we stay few thousand
miles away from Lucknow and mom-in-law was physically not able to look after
Chhoto Masi, on doctor’s advice, we finally had to take a hard decision to keep
her under care of a Rehabilitation Center for her well-being. I became a
frequent flyer in Fly Dubai airline on Dubai-Lucknow-Dubai route since July
last year taking care of her medical needs even though the Rehabilitation
Center was taking care of her well.
Chhoto Masi lost all her abilities to comprehend the present
and was dwelling in the past as these are common manifestations of dementia.
She did not remember my name or who I was to her but every time I visited her
in the Center, her face would lit up with joy and she would break into a wide
smile like a child. I could clearly see the rush of happiness possibly because
she knew in her heart that she was loved and cared for. She would kiss my forehead
lovingly and affectionately when I would say, “Chhoto Masi, you take care and
stay well. I will come again to see you after 15 days”. May be, she understood
that the last was not very far. When I last visited her, she held my hand and
asked with so much of hope and expectation in her voice,” When will the doctor
allow me to go home? I want to go home”.
I was torn with helplessness and came back to Dubai with a
heavy heart ridden with guilt. I promised her I would take her home the next
time I would come knowing fully well that it was a distant possibility given the
fact that her state was deteriorating with each passing day. She fell
critically ill with a heart ailment just after a week of my last visit without any prior warning
or indication and I rushed back. By the time I reached, she was already put on
ventilator and she was already on her last battle. Signs were evident that she
would not be able to hold her ground for long. Time ticked away for next 48
hours; I stayed put by her bed side in the hospital holding her hand. She
possibly did not know that I was there with her all along during her final
moments but Almighty gave me plenty of time to apologise to her that I failed
on my promise and I could not take her home for one last time!
I will live with this guilt for the rest of my life!
As her own son or daughter would have done or as I did it for my father, I performed all rituals before her cremation and lit the
pyre .
While immersing her ashes in river Gomati, tears possibly washed away my guilt
hoping that Chhoto Masi would understand my helplessness and forgive me that I
could not take her home as promised.
I ticked off that one complain I had against Almighty that
He did not allow me the chance to stay by my dad’s side during his final
moments…..He allowed me the chance to do so for Chhoto Masi. Dad was a noble
soul; all through his life, he walked his walk following the dictum “Others
before self”. So what if I was not there – he was surrounded with people who
loved him so dearly showering him with love, affection and care….he died a
king’s death!
….on the contrary, Chhoto Masi was alone, physically and
emotionally. I am sure the thought crossed her mind innumerable number of times
when she was inching towards old age as to how the end would be and whether
there would be anyone to give her a decent farewell knowing that she did not
have any biological offspring. Though there are countless incidents proving
otherwise but do we not all live with this belief that a son or daughter of our
own will take care of us during our last. May be, Chhoto Masi was also unsure
that we would prove biological connections does not dictate how or whether we should
take care of her.
….on many nights, I would go sleepless tears flooding my
eyes repeating to myself, “I wish I could hold dad’s hand or kiss him good bye”
….but not anymore. God gave me the chance to do everything for Chhoto Masi that
I could not do for dad. I could hold Chhoto Masi’s hand saying the last prayer on her behalf that she should
be allowed a safe and painless passage to God’s own country and be forgiven if she ever sinned. She was not left alone to cross the bridge before she started her journey towards the eternal destination. To me, this was more for my soul than
for Chhoto Masi’s.
Dad possibly was shining with pride again that his little
girl had developed strong shoulders to carry Chhoto Masi (literally) to the
crematorium as a pallbearer!
That I was made to be the anchor for a lonely soul during
her final days compels me to think beyond doubt that God creates each one of us
for a purpose! Stay ready ….who knows when Almighty will choose any one of us
to serve that single purpose for which we have been created and when He does
that, you live a blessed life then on!!
